Looking to get better? Think that you might just be the most miserable person in the world due to your personality or past experiences? Well, you’ve come to the right place. Today, we’re going to talk about how nothing works and there’s no answer. But don’t worry, there’s hope for you yet!
The search
I think when we look at the human condition, hardly anybody does anything unless they think that that thing is going to make them happier. We go to work because we think having money will make us happier, we eat food because we think we will be happier fed than hungry. We eat the kind of food we do because we think we will be happier with the health it gives us or the taste it lets us experience, or both.
And a lot of times, we’re right. You certainly will be happier fed, housed, stable and loved. But that doesn’t change the fact that every single human, happy as a clam or in chronic despair, is always searching.
The difference
Yes, the human condition is one of dissatisfaction. Yet despite that, there are happy people. People who, although they too are searching for the next thing to make them “happy”, do feel as though they are, by and large, satisfied with their life and themselves. (If you want to learn more about the secrets of happiness, read this post where I reveal the findings from my studies of happiness and self-help books.) And this is important, because there is a difference between happy (yet still searching) people, and those who cannot boast that mental state.
There’s something that happens to the nature of our searching when our internal ecosystem is not a happy place. We start to do something quite radical and look for “the answer”. You see, a happy person, even if they don’t get what they want right now, is able to zoom out and see a big picture that they are satisfied with. Maybe they can’t get this or that, or just can’t have it now, but they know that they have what they need and other good things are coming to them. Put in a different way, there’s less pressure on this one thing to “make them happy”, and they don’t expect or need it to do so.
The answer
But what happens when we are miserable and ill at ease? We need a fix. We need a high, or at least something to make us not feel quite so broken. Some people look to substances or other addictions to patch over this problem. Things that keep them from looking at the big picture where they can see they’re not happy. But not all.
If you’re a longtime reader of this site or regularly consume the kind of content that is posted here (self-improvement, philosophy, wellness), you might be one of the people who is looking for the one technique or perspective or therapy modality that finally tips you over from unhappy to happy. (If this is you, don’t feel ashamed, I can relate.) The problem with this is that nothing will ever be “the answer”.
Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of techniques out there that can help you heal or give you new perspective or even just a bit of relief. And that is all worth something. In fact, it’s worth a lot. But the human condition is one of wanting. Of building on what you want, of being a little dissatisfied and being ready to see what tomorrow brings. There’s not going to be a day when you’re just free and clear of all pain and unhappiness, and even if there was one, you (being human) would just come up with something more to want and feel dissatisfied about. When you look at life that way, it’s a losing game.
So what do I do, then?
I can just hear the groans now. “So what, we’re supposed to just accept that we’re miserable and just be it for the rest of our lives?” No, of course not. But we’ve got to learn to let this sense of perfectionism around our emotional selves fall by the wayside. (Read this post if you want more information about perfectionism.) You are not broken if you’re unhappy “again”. In fact, you would be a bit broken if you never were unhappy again. There is nothing wrong with you!
If you truly are unhappy even after you let that idea go, that’s where your real growth can begin. Otherwise you just get caught blaming yourself for all your problems and get stuck in shame. You can take your power back by accepting your right to have negative feelings, and opening yourself to the idea that this in and of itself is not a problem for you to fix. Then look for tools.
From here, we can try different therapies, techniques and coping skills. From here we can learn about communication and other life skills. We can take action on things that are solvable without hoping and needing them to “fix” our human capacity for dissatisfaction. We can even consider the fact that good things come with their negative consequences sometimes, and that what make work for you may not work for me. Ultimately, this isn’t a failing on anyone’s part. When we’re able to let go of the need for the next big thing to fix everything, we’re able to open up to the benefit that it can actually give us, which is the biggest gift this world has to offer.
Big hugs
I just want to say thank you for reading this today. I admire your journey in healing and your desire to give the world the best version of who you are. You are not a problem that needs fixing, and it’s okay not to be happy sometimes. Just don’t let that make you have disdain for yourself or others. Everyday, we have a new chance to let go a little bit more of the fake rules we made to keep us in line and opt for new kindnesses and healings. Things that make real progress instead of hiding the problem.
And for what it’s worth, I think that you can do it. There is very little about ourselves that we can’t change with time and effort, if we have the right tools. I will keep talking on here about new perspectives and skills and healings but I truly hope that you ask yourself “am I hoping that this will be the thing that finally fixes me?” before you take any of what I mention to heart. If the answer is yes, please give yourself a little bit more love and respect than that before you try it out.
Maybe after all this, we finally found “the answer”. Maybe the answer to how to get to be a happy person is to finally look at things like a happy person and backwards engineer it from there. That is, to accept that this new thing will not be the answer, because nothing will. You’re not broken, and you’re not a problem to be fixed. But you can still eat a delicious sandwich or learn a new skill and enjoy the benefits it brings you. Big hugs!
