So recently, we talked about our personal identity. How we pick it up, and how to dismantle the inauthentic parts of ourselves. (If you didn’t read that one, you can find it here.) But once you’ve become aware of the parts of yourself that don’t feel authentic and let them go, how do you discover who you really are, and build up your identity? And so we’re picking the subject back up today. Here’s how to start discovering yourself.
Memory lane
Now, I personally find a lot of value in mindfulness and trying to honor the present moment. (If you want to hear more about that, you can click here for that post.) But a good way to start exploring who you are is to look at your past. It may or may not tell you who you want to be in the future but often it can give a good story for who you’ve been and how you got here to begin with.
So, how were you brought up? What was your experience of the world as a child or a young person? Did you see something that you always wanted to emulate, or something that seemed wrong and you thought, “I never want to be that when I grow up”. These sorts of things are your initial personal values. They may or may not have matched up with your culture or family of origin, but often they came from observing them.
Once you’ve got a pretty vivid picture of how you saw the world as a young person, take a critical look of it. Do you believe and want the same things now? What have you changed your opinions on? Do you have new dreams? This is a good conceptual roadmap to start out with. You may realize that you’re still living by your old values, but you have new ones. That gives you a good jumping off point.
Start saying yes
So I highlighted this in a previous post about balancing “yes” and “no”, (find that here if you’re interested) but we need to get better at being more intentional with what we accept. A lot of people end up saying yes to things we don’t want to please others, so we have to say no to the things we want, just because there isn’t enough room in our life by that point! Others try to say yes to everything and then watch it blow up in our faces later. And still others say no to everything by default, because we’re scared to go out of our comfort zone (even if we’re interested), or we’re exhausted by life in general. But what you say yes to is just as important as what you say no to.
You don’t want to wake up one day, near the end of your life and think, “man, I just wasted all my time and now I can’t get it back.” And if you think you might enjoy something, it’s worth it to open your life up just a little, to see if you’re right. Yeah, you’re going to do some things that don’t end up being your favorite pastime, but even the ones that don’t pan out long term will count in your book of new experiences. Experiences keep us fresh and vibrant as people. They help us learn about the world around us and grow in self-confidence. This is all stuff you’re going to want if you’re trying to build an identity for yourself. So start saying yes to life.
What do I say yes to?
Okay, so “saying yes to life” is really vague, admittedly. That’s partly because there are so many different kinds of people, and so many different things to try. But, there are categories to brainstorm in. So here are a few thoughts to get you started.
Learning
There’s a whole big universe of things out there to learn about. Whether it’s researching or documentaries or learning a new language, learning is good for us. It helps rekindle our curiosity in the world around us, keeps our brains healthier, and makes us more well-rounded, well-informed people. Nurture the curious kid in you who was always asking questions, because it’s still in there. And now, you have all the resources to find the answers you’re secretly craving.
Exploring
If learning about the world around you isn’t your thing, how about experiencing it firsthand? Getting curious about your city or town or neighborhood is a great way to add more flavor into your life. Start going on day trips to the park. Order from a new local restaurant. Just take a walk around the area and look for something, anything new that you haven’t seen, tried, or done before. You might find your new favorite friday night.
Not only that, but you can also branch out. Now that we have swaths of information at our fingertips, we can start asking questions like “what museums are in 10 miles from me?” “Where is the closest national park?” And then we can just..go there. Getting more open about having new experiences in our same old areas helps up open up our own minds to flexibility, curiosity, passion, and opportunity. Beauty that we often don’t see when we’re stuck in routine. This can easily help shape who we are for the better, by making new memories, and breaking old bad habits of treating life as a spectator sport we wouldn’t know how to begin to play.
Activities
And an outgrowth of “exploring” is engaging in activities. Even ones where you’re a bit outside of your comfort zone and don’t know if they will be all that exciting. If you find that next week, there’s going to be a special opportunity to have an introduction to something you’ve never tried before, consider giving it a shot. This is how you find new hobbies, friends, and ideas. When you get into the swing of trying new things and taking advantage of weird, off-the-beaten path activities, the world opens up for you. It cracks your life open in astounding ways. And really, it can lead you to living a life you love and never even knew was possible! So get hungry for life, for new ideas and experiences.
Practice makes perfect
Another great use of your time is to try to expand your skillset in order to become a more well-rounded person. You never know when an extra level of proficiency could garner an opportunity for you later on down the line. So start on a project-something that’s outside of your comfort zone, and being to gain mastery over it. Maybe you want to become more physically fit, or a master in coding! This is an outgrowth of learning, to be sure. But while learning about a subject is fascinating, gaining mastery over it is even more satisfying and useful. So practice your skills, both old and new. And put in the necessary time in order to get good at the things you’re interested in.
Introspection
Now this is obviously quite different than the other points, but I wanted to include it, for balance. When you add so much vibrancy and activity in you life, you also need rest. You need days with peace and quiet, unplugging and truly connecting with yourself and the other people you care about.
When you have this downtime on hand, it’s good to use it to really check in with yourself. What are you enjoying? What are you learning? How are you feeling? Sometimes journaling can be helpful in organizing your thoughts in this way. But the more in tune you can be with yourself while you’re putting all this new stimuli in, the more you will develop a strong sense of self. Not just that, but you will grow into a more interesting, self-confident, well-rounded, wise person. This balance of passion for life and allowing for relaxation and introspection helps build resiliency in us, and makes rich, beautiful memories, which always make the best stories when we look back on our lives and ourselves. It is something that is within your reach. So get going! Discover and build your true self!
