There’s a concept that’s been on my mind recently, called closure. Although we all come into contact with the idea of closure from time to time in our lives, I can honestly say that I hadn’t really tried to work out what it meant to me until very recently. And as usual, it was one quick sentence that sparked this realization.
I like to pretend that all of my wisdom is gained form the school of hard-knocks, and that when I have an opinion about something, it’s all for good reasons. Which is generally accurate, but sometimes it happens in weird ways. And this time, it did. I was watching a show in my down time and one of the characters was addressing an ex partner, saying that they were sorry because they had never really given closure to the relationship. The ex partner wasn’t upset with them though, and responded by saying that life isn’t really about closure anyway. It wasn’t billed as a profound moment in the show, but nonetheless it hit me hard. I paused to let the idea sink in.
“What if life isn’t about closure after all?”
What is closure?
I think that everyone has slightly different ideas of what closure means to them in various scenarios. A lot of people think of closure more as a concept for the end of a romantic relationship, but I think it applies to nearly every aspect of life. Closure, in general, is when we’re given an opportunity to know beforehand that a situation is coming to an end. We’re also given an explanation as to why. And we’re treated with respect in the closing out of that phase of life. And sure, that definitely applies to romantic relationships. But also friendships, careers, moving residences, building new habits and lifestyles–almost everything you can think of!
And there’s this idea that it is all parties’ responsibility to provide closure for the others. While I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that as a guideline for morality and etiquette, I’m sure about one thing: It doesn’t always happen. Even if it “should”. So then comes the idea that you can give yourself closure, and in fact, that the responsibility falls on you to find or create your own closure.
Giving yourself closure
You know, there are going to be times when there is a dispute and the other person just wants nothing to do with you (regardless of if you were the offending party). And in this case, it really is up to you to find your own closure, if that is what you feel like you need. There are some different ways of going about this. Some people feel that it’s just a matter of letting time do its thing. (To read more about the notion that time heals all wounds, take a look at this post discussing just that.) And sometimes, that’s honestly true. Sometimes you just need to let time fill in the gaps and smooth things out for you. But other times, it’s not enough to just sit back and hope you feel better later. Instead, you need to work on managing your thoughts and emotions.
Writing is your tool
One activity for managing your emotions that I really enjoy is writing things down. You can either try to implement a journaling practice (if you’re interested but not sure how, you can find a quick guide to that here) or instead, you can try to write a letter to the person who has hurt you/you have hurt. (If you’re not quite sure how to write a letter to someone who hurt you, give this a read.)
Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you start to make sense of what happened. And also, where you’re at. Although you may be at the point where you’re overwhelmed with emotion. And if this is you, try focusing on expression first. (If you find feelings to be a difficult subject, give this a read.) You can express your feelings with crying or punching a pillow or trying your hand at creating a piece of art. (And you don’t have to be “good” at art, either.) Expressing yourself in these ways is a great stepping stone to figuring out your own perspective on what happened. Once you know that, you can figure out how you plan on dealing with it, both with coping and action. But once you’ve got everything understood and expressed, you’re still not going to feel immediately better.
After sorting yourself out
I’ve written recently about letting things go. If you haven’t read that post, I strongly encourage you to take a look at it (click here to open it in a new window) either now, or once you’re finished here. Because letting go is an extremely important topic that I don’t think we talk about enough. Or at least, not in the right way. The fact is that someone who hurt you can give you everything possible in order to give you closure. Explanations, emotional support, respect, dignity, everything. But until you feel like you can let go of all the attachment and feelings that went along with the situation or betrayal or whatever it is that happened, you’re still not going to be able to feel like you have “closure”. And that’s not their fault.
But the other thing that I feel like we also don’t mention often enough is that being able to let go and move on isn’t something that can be rushed. You can’t just “want” to let go and “feel like you should” enough to will it into being. You have to be ready. And being ready is hard. Letting go is hard. You have to be willing to see yourself and your life as a whole, worthwhile thing in an entirely new way. Not just as an “after”, but as something completely different in its own right. It’s a commitment that you put yourself up to, to let your life grow completely away from where you once were. But well, that’s kind of what I’m wondering about right now in terms of closure.
Valuing the here and now (even if you don’t have what you did yesterday)
If the last step in closure is being able to look at your life in the present and observe and value it for what it is instead of the loss of what you had or bafflement at a new change, then why can’t we just go straight there to begin with? Not always, but sometimes. I would never advocate for you forgiving someone you’re not ready to or trying to push your true feelings down. But I do think that this idea is worth exploring in some cases. Sometimes we hold onto things that we just don’t need to. Things that aren’t good for us, or productive ways of being. That’s not a judgment. It’s a fact. And if we’re at the point where we could choose in the moment to open to a new life in the face of disappointment or disillusionment, then maybe it is in our best interest to explore that opportunity.
What I’m trying to say is that maybe this discussion isn’t about what we think it is. We look for people to give us the best possible explanation or apology, hoping it’ll help us feel more complete in the life we’re thrown into. We look up to gurus who speak of forgiveness and turning the other cheek. And we listen eagerly to their assurances that forgiving someone doesn’t have to mean trusting them or letting them back into your life. Well, excuse me if this is a little bit too frank, but then what’s the point? They’re all just middlemen, giving us some sort of hope or idea that if you jump through these hoops then maybe you’ll feel like you actually fit in this moment, in this life that you’re inexplicably living. I mean, maybe you will, maybe you won’t. Maybe it’ll work, if they apologize just right or give you an explanation or finally let you get your side out. Maybe it won’t.
If not closure, then what?
I think this whole idea of closure is fundamentally flawed, regardless of whose responsibility it is to provide it. Because ultimately, getting closure may make you feel better briefly, but if you don’t learn to truly value the present moment, then you’re not going to be fulfilled or at peace. And that’s just mindfulness, right there. (If the idea of mindfulness is new to you, check out this piece that I wrote about it a while back.)
What if we valued the present moment right now? Not because things are going well, or at least better in some regards than they once were, but simply because this is the only moment that we exist in? Because let me tell you, when I’m truly living in my body, in the moment, in my life, I’m not busy holding a grudge or trying to forgive someone or trying to move on. I just am. And time moves naturally, and it moves me along with it. And I make memories, and have experiences, and feel like I’m actually where I’m supposed to be. Because I am. Right here, right now.
Closure, forgiveness, maybe we don’t need them
When we’re looking for closure or forgiveness, we are truly searching for something in the wrong place. We’re looking for a justification, to feel the way we do and live the lives that we want to live. And my suggestion for you today is to just live them. Be sad if you feel sad. Get things done if that will make you feel proud of yourself. And create something beautiful if it’s time. Because life isn’t going to wait for you. Someday you’ll look back on how you were and find that it doesn’t matter to you as much as it did before. Because you found closure without looking for it. You put more real, important, intriguing experiences between you and that one thing. While it’s a part of your story forever, it’s not so much a part of you anymore. This idea of closure is like a dog chasing its tail. You never really realize that it’s not what you needed until you finally find it.
