It’s important to be kind to others in their struggles. After all, feelings are valid, it’s what we do with them that matters. And it’s for this reason that when I think of the phrase “drowning in a glass of water”, it rubs me the wrong way. It can seem ableist, or just downright dismissive of other’s perspectives and varying abilities and challenges. That being said, there is one way in which it may be more valuable than it seems at first glance, and that is when we start to ponder the idea of resiliency.
Measuring resilience
It is very reductionist to believe that the goal for people to be unfalteringly resilient. After all, if you simply continue taking on burdens, being the longsuffering martyr, where is the good in your life? And furthermore, that just lets people take advantage of you. No, the goal is not to be able to handle everything and anything, but the idea of resilience is still attractive.
When we look at resilience, we often look at one’s ability to make it out the other side of challenges and continue forward with life, which is an incredibly useful lens.
But it’s also important to look at it from the opposite end. How well do you rise above everyday tasks? There are those who are really good at handling large challenges or setbacks, but when it comes down to the day by day, they find themselves stressed, worn to the bone, over the littlest details. This is often due to a past filled with major stress and/or tragedy. But it sometimes makes me wonder, if daily life is so stressful, even if you can deal with big challenges, how are you supposed to move forward with your life? And if you can’t, how resilient really are you?
Have you healed?
This is not to put pressure or blame on those going through tragedy or great setbacks, nor to look down on those that are still “working through their stuff”. It should, however, make you look twice at that feeling of having “arrived” on the other side of your trauma, especially if you have been healed and/or recovered for some time now.
Maybe you’re not having flashbacks during the day anymore, maybe you’re clean off your addiction (and so on and so forth), but are you moving forward with your life? Do you feel random, but persistent bursts of intense anxiety and fear about things most people wouldn’t seem stressful? Do you not believe in your own ability to do things “most people” seem perfectly able to do? You might be drowning in a glass of water. Or rather, you might be letting that trauma you thought you healed from run your life still.
That may be hard to hear. But as with many things that are hard to hear, the self-reflection that ensues may be the path to greater clarity, peace, and personal freedom.
Weirdly broken
This flip side of resilience makes us realize that there is more to life, perhaps more than we have ever known or felt capable of.
You can access a self that is not “weirdly broken” or incapable. You can do things that seemed impossible, and you can have all of those things that others seem to have, if only you’re able to free up this part of you that’s obsessed with being in a state of emergency.
Not everything is an emergency
If you operate on a very high level of stress, here’s a thought for you to ponder: very few things in life are true emergencies. Very few things must be solved in any given moment. And, even with urgent events, very few situations really are benefitted by the sense of urgency that you are so often overwhelmed by.
If you are truly stressed out every day of your life and you are not living in a war zone or an abusive household or fighting for your life, I want you to stop for a second. Take a deep breath. Take another one. Look down at the floor and up at the ceiling. Slowly scan the room as you let your breathing slow and deepen.
This feeling, this frantic, frenetic pace, is something that you have learned. But there is another way.
The other way
Your new mantra is “there are very few true emergencies”. Your prerogative is to slow down. Focus, breathe. Do one thing at a time. And refuse to worry about something you can’t do anything about.
Moment by moment, you can choose to open to the gentler side of life, which is equally true to reality. Add more things in your day that bring you joy and bring joy to others. If you stay true to this path, and devoted to making it your way of life a little more every day, one morning you’ll wake up and realize it happened. Your frantic energy isn’t you anymore.
It is possible, and when it happens it will open up so many possibilities for you. You’ll have more successes, feel happier, and be able to serve others better. You can do it, I believe in you.
